Chandramonkey

For a Rajinikanth fan, there is just one scene in the movie that is worth watching - the one where he makes a grand entrance. He kicks a man so hard that he (the kicked man, not Rajinikanth) goes flying, crashes into the windscreen of a parked Qualis, and crashes out the rear windshield. This is the only high point of the movie. From here on, it is all downhill.

The first impression we(The wife and I) had of the movie was that it was loud. Way too loud. Maybe this is how loud all Tamil movies are played - we really wouldn’t know. Our last movie outing was to see Mumbai Xpress - and that, though it had a lot of explosions and noise, was nowhere near Chandramonkey in its loudness.

Though I am quite a fan of Rajinikanth,the superstar as he's often referred to.
This one of the few of his movies that I have watched in a theatre.

There is a scene, somewhere towards the end of the movie, where Prabhu cries out aloud, “Why this torture?” This aptly reflected the sentiments of the audience at this point. This emotional outburst provoked sharp laughter from most of the audience, and that sums up the Chandramukhi experience.

The character played by Rajinikanth, Saravanan, is about as crass and boorish as it can get. There is an entirely avoidable so-called comical sub-plot involving Saravanan, comedian Vadivel and his wife. It is tiresome and insulting to watch. This, combined with the none-too-impressive portrayal of a stern and authoritarian woman played by Sheela and her mute (really!) and muscular assistant, and the attendant sub-plotting, drags the movie on and on to the point where everyone is just whiling away to time waiting for the “impressive last half-hour peformance by Jothika” of which we have read so much in various media.

When it comes, the “performance” is comic and powerless. In spite of a truly desperate attempt by Jothika, the direction is so lacklustre and confused that it falls flat. Yes, Jothika’s performance is good. Admitted. But, it is like Rahul Dravid scoring thirty six runs in the last over, when what is required is three hundred and sixty. It is much too little, much too late. And it is somewhat diluted by the almost comical make-up which is more of a stage-style mad-woman, rather than that of a dishevelled dancer.

In all, Chandramukhi was a monumental waste of time, even to a Rajini fan like me. It makes one of the strongest possible cases in favour of pirated VCDs.

Twits and more

Sun TV, the channel that holds much of Tamil Nadu captive in the evenings with melodramatic soaps starring fat former movie actresses celebrated its thirteenth birthday this month. Most of the programming is hideously bad - the closest analogy I can think of is Craig Kilborn reruns all day for a whole week. The lack of talent is pervasive throughout the organization, and compiling a list of the worst anchors is exceedingly difficult:

Sureshkumar, the snooty looking dude who anchors a program called Top Ten movies, wearing costumes in colors that are best left to Hawaiian shirts. He rates movies every week along with a what he thinks is a snappy comment. Suresh cares not for spoilers, and nonchalantly gives out endings and important twists with nary a blink of the eye. “The movie has a great climax, when you come to know that Susheela is the killer, you are surprised!”.

Gowri , the girl that interviews people in the mornings. She has a prepared list of questions with her, and will go through her list no matter what the answers are.

“Are you married?”

“No”

“Where did you meet your wife”

“I am not married”

“Interesting. How many kids do you have?”

You get the picture. And she mangles her consonants so much that her Tamil pronunciation is clearly the worst of all Sun TV anchors. Believe me, that is a difficult honor to get. KaLLoori and KaLLvi.

Fatima Honedew: Utter a word. Proffer toothy smile. Move upper body and head vigorously from left to right. Another word. Right to left movement. Another word, Up and Down. Yet another word, diagonal shakes. Poor Tamil diction, more smiles. Always stress the wrong syllable. Makes you yearn for Gowri.

Yet, we pay Dishnetwork actual money every month and religiously subject ourselves to torture for at least a few minutes a day. Because, for good or for bad, it reminds us of home. Of evenings spent on easy chairs, drinking coffee and watching movies.

Captain Planet - The new Vijaykanth starrer

Indian movies will always be an eye opener. Here is a story of "The captain" Vijaykanth’s next movie. Its called ’’Captain Planet’’
(WOW !!! where do they get these names??)

Vijaykant is a scientist in NASA.......( yes folks.u read that right.NASA...the American space lab- A very big set designed for this by Kalaipuli S.Dhaanu). When our hero was busy launching a satellite to Pluto,his wife Simran is about to deliver a baby and wants to meet him. But the launch process badly needs a person like our hero,and there is you see no other option.Senior scientist Radha asks him to stay back till the launch. Our well commited hero successfully launches the satellite, and comes back home on a horse (where have all the planes gone.??....:)Unfly the wife and child are poisoned by Terrorists who pose as nurses.Our hero is shattered,
He cries out loud"Innime naan yane vazahanum" (Why should i live anymore)Saunters down to the local arrack shop,binge drinks and then sings a song and swears revenge on those who killed his young(pronounced yeng)
family.

Bound by duty and pestered by Radha's phone calls from NASA he heads back.(This time by plane)The horse is too depressed to trot back.Back at NASA hero finds out that the other scientists claim that they were responsible for the launch discrediting our superhero. He resigns from there and comes back to India(by plane again) and is leading a peaceful life.... days go by till......

Oneday, the scientists, to their surprise find out that the SUN is hurtling toward EARTH and sooner than later it may BURN the earth to ashes.. All the scientists are worried bout how to save the EARTH.. They soon realize that only ’’THE HERO’’ (Vijaykanth) can do it... They visit India,telling him the facts, and Vijaykant heads back there to complete the save EARTH mission ...After a huge amount of research, Vijaykant decides to invent an instrument.

The instrument will deflect the SUN from its path to EARTH.. America is thrilled to bits with Vijaykanth’s invention. Good ole George even invites him to the White house for a meal.(Plz add a song sequence with Laura Bush).So finally Vijaykant is all set to go into SPACE and save the earth. He and another person (Chandrasekhar,Who BTW is a prisoner in Vellore coz he killed a man who made fun of his sister), Has been choosen by our hero. Now the 2 of them are travelling in a spacecraft towards the SUN.

They move out of earth (Not before vijaykanth sings a song bout his motherland)and in space Vijaykant comes out of the spacecraft and stands on the wings. He takes out the instrument and points it at the SUN.Oh!!! The instrument is not working... The terrorists deactivated it (Where did they come from??) Go figure!!!!!(ha ha ha .....u got to be kiddin me) All the scientists are worried at the earth station.....tension mounts up..........The SUN is reaching the EARTH slowly.............

Climax - While the SUN floats towards the EARTH, VIJAYKANTH puts one leg on earth, turns around, and kicks the SUN with ultimate force.. and jumps back into the spacecraft.... the SUN gets deflected away from EARTH!!!!!!!!!!! EARTH SAVED... He waves the Indian flag from out the craft which starts in journey back to earth!

The End (This is the edited version)

To imagine what a full fledged tamil flick is like plz add the following
1. Semi naked busty South indian women dancing around our hero in outer space (It's allright if there are no trees)
2. Fight sequences when appropriate sisters and wives are teased/molested/raped/killed
3. In part 2 of the film he kills the terrorists who deactivated his Instrument! I will save that for later.